Untangling Communication Knots for Deeper Connections
In the realm of communication, the absence of agreement isn't necessarily indicative of poor communication. In fact, within relationships, some of the most crucial dialogues arise from points of disagreement or when our needs seem incompatible. However, when communication falters, it often stems from the misconception that we're discussing the same topic when, in reality, our perspectives diverge. Consider a scenario where a discussion about a harmful habit repeatedly circles back to intentions versus the emotional impact on the recipient, resulting in a stalemate. To move forward, it's imperative to delineate each viewpoint and address them as distinct issues, deserving thorough attention and empathy.
The most common debate in relationships is effort versus care. You may, for example, be talking about not spending enough quality time with each other, and the partner focusing on effort wants the other to see all the ways in which they are spending time together or appreciate the efforts to spend time together, whereas the other wants their partner to understand they feel disconnected. These are different parts of a situation which don’t actually contradict each other. They can both be true and it’s extremely important to see the ways in which it’s not black and white. One partner can deserve more appreciation while the other is correct that there should be more quality time spent.
Seeing the ways in which most situations are not black and white is a very important key to effective communication. It’s likely that both of you are partially right and partially are overly sensitive to what you’re upset about. When you can both see the validity of your partner’s side, while also continuing to share what you need, it will get you through a lot of issues.
In most cases, we’ll feel a bunch of different ways about important topics we talk about with our partner, including sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings. For example, we could both see our partner’s point and be angry with them for feeling that way. We shouldn’t be trying to find the most succinct bottom line or synthesize our complex feelings and thoughts into the perfect share or response, especially if it only represents one narrow version of what’s happening inside us. Instead, we should share all the different sides, starting with the good – appreciation, understanding, seeing what’s working – and then move on to our issues. Conversely, we shouldn’t take what our partner says only at face value; we should ask about all the different sides of what’s important to them.
Many of us have been taught that good listening means relating what they are saying to something about yourself, brainstorming solutions, or saying something positive to lift them up. All of these have good intentions, but often feel dismissive on the receiving end. Instead of guessing what your partner is looking for, you can ask them for clarity until you really get it, and then ask them what they need.
The most important communication issues to address are repetitive arguments. If you can get through something and feel more connected and make changes, no matter how messy it feels, the communication is more or less working. If a disagreement persists, it means there are deep, personal needs on each side that are being positioned against each other. Because what we’re really arguing about matters to us so much, our instinct is to bring ours back to the forefront and our partner will do the same, and this competition can go on infinitely. Instead of one of us winning, we need to try to meet each of our needs at different times or find a creative intersection of them.
When we’re upset, we tend to position ourselves as superior or inferior to our partner. If we find ourselves being condescending, we should make an attempt to humble ourselves and see our contribution to the issues. If we feel like we’re being overly conciliatory, we can try to practice speaking up for ourselves more. Our goal is to meet eye to eye and either get greater clarity or feel more connected.
When our partner shares something, we very rarely understand what they really mean, even though we often assume that we do. Before we go any further into the conversation, we have to question our assumptions and make sure we’re responding to the right things.
Saying something incendiary in a sweet or soft way isn’t going to help anything. Instead, it’s crucial to learn to share what you want and ask for clarity, without being harsh. This can sound like, “I had the expectation that you were going to do the dishes this week and was really upset when you didn’t, but then I remembered that I didn’t explicitly share that expectation with you. Can we figure out a better way to split this task?” The more each of you is direct with the other, the more you can trust what the other is saying to be straightforward and genuine, with no hidden judgments or unspoken agendas. Over time, it creates a strong sense of security and ease.
For many of us, sharing honestly is really scary, especially if we have a history of being on the receiving end of lots of judgment. We can help ourselves get courage to share more by allowing ourselves to be less messy. For example, try sharing both what you know and what you’re still unsure of. Or try sharing what you want and what you’re worried about.
Use qualifiers and narrative so your partner can understand where you’re coming from. For example, if you’ve been thinking about how you don’t share your needs enough, it’s not going to go well if you all the sudden say “I’m really mad at you for never considering me!” Instead, tell the story of what you’ve been reflecting on and how it’s been making you feel and why you’re saying what you’re saying. When your partner gets the context they won’t have to speculate about what’s not being said and get defensive.
